late at night when i feel cheesy

what do you do?

when trillions catch up with them
and play-money isn't going to cut it
We don't want anything to change, but we want it fixed!
scream pleading millions who have never seen a silver platter,
let alone had one handed to them
elitists feast upon the stationary

what do you when
the Social Security checks stop rolling
and you can afford your life-saving medicine about as much as you afford your own private island
your eyes carry barrels of worry while the food bank keeps your head above the tsunami
but just barely
you stop sleeping, because what if a wave
comes
in
the
night and snatches it all away?

crying shame doesn't even begin to cover it

this is what you do: not out of want
out of necessity

arch your shoulders, feel the gritty blood pumping still
something they can never cut
is your faith that things will get better before they
end.

loooocal

i love me some farmers market. fresh raspberries, chard, goat cheese, granola, carrots, bread. i will be eating like a veggie queen this week.

p.s. check out my fly shoes

welcome to the united snakes

i threw away

all of my makeup. took me this many years to realize i don't need it, nor does anyone. beauty is intrinsic
and i will never have to clean mascara goop out of my eyes again.
liberating.

p.s. i kept my red lipstick because wearing it makes me feel like i can take the world by storm

i really like this

even though we look silly

and Adam is gazing elsewhere

and there is a photo-bombin' man in the right corner

i like it because

i was so happy.

preparing

for cold weather. can't wait. love wool.

beautiful mornings

include:
waking up when you feel like
half of a grapefruit
cuddling
kisses all over your sleepy eyes
the promise of an equally as beautiful day.

aly wrote this for me. d'awww

my best friend
is a red-haired girl
with pale skin wrapped round
her perfectly curved body
who will do
completely spontaneous things
that make the world fall in love with her
she is brilliant
a master of flow
and a source of vitality to rival the sun itself
we would drive
in my car
down the freeway
nearly everyday
listening to the music that suited the mood of our souls
laughing
or crying
or sitting silently
always in awe of how effortlessly our chemistry combined
and how we found ourselves
on the same page
in most books
often i would think if in that moment i died
that would be absolutely fine
she was my awakening
unprecedented and inevitable
and i doubt anyone has ever adored anyone
as much as i do her.

ULTIMATUM

A) MOVE TO MISSOULA, MONTANA AND SPEND ONE YEAR LIVING AND WORKING, GAINING RESIDENCY, SO THAT NEXT FALL I CAN ATTEND U OF M AND STUDY PHOTOJOURNALISM

B) MOVE OUT INTO MY OWN PLACE AND GO TO WEBER STATE WHERE IT WILL BE FREE TO STUDY GENERALS UNTIL NEXT FALL AND TRANSFER TO AN OUT OF STATE UNIVERSITY


leaning towards Missoula. following my heart. ready for coming transformation.

hey

-Adam thinks i look hot in sweat pants and glasses
that is the best
- i am inspired lately by John F. Kennedy and film photography and oddly enough, some hip-hop music which i find offers a crucial perspective 
-i don't know where i am going to school anymore or how i am going to pay for it and that is stressful to say the least
-but i will get there
-i haven't watched tv in at least half a year
-i could (and do) watch documentaries all day
-i am tired of sugar
-i miss my best friend
-all i ever want to do is read, write and go camping

assasinations and other love stories

i swear its juice from those cherries i was eating

                                                                                                                                                                                  Not

                                                                                                                                                                                   Blood

on the bed.i feel bad when you feel bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about.
with
one of those headaches that creeps

                                                                                                                                                                                 down

                                                                                                                                                                                   your

                                                                                                                                                                                   neck

into your fingers
i suddenly realize that spreaders of Love are
shot in the head
while the cruelly corrupt plant rows and rows of seeds

what
if
Silence
doesn't work the way they think it does?

sometimes i get caught up in the biggest black magick trick of them all
money is as invisible as the man in the sky who invents freedom of choice and then punishes you if you make the wrong one
playground games for playground minds

                                                                                                                                                                       sickeningly,

                                                                                                                                                                             it 

works.

Retaliation! throwing out my makeup / stimulating synapses / loving shamelessly / asking questions / absorbing information /being unreasonable / never apologizing

                                                             Ceasing to Fear because as Lennon said

                                                            death is but leaving one train for another.

corn

watching a documentary called King Corn. basically EVERYTHING we eat derives from corn fertilized by ammonia, genetically modified to be grown as cheaply and effectively as possible. this corn is not edible, but is sent to factories to be made into corn syrup to be put into nearly every food on the shelf. corn syrup contains very small levels of poisonous chemicals, comparable to cigarettes. a person who drinks one soda per day nearly doubles their chance of developing type 2 diabetes. our generation may be the first in history to live a shorter life span than the generation before us simply because of our corn syrup consumption. even the meat we eat is corn-based. cattle are fed a steady diet of this inedible-to-humans corn for up to 180 days. if they continue to eat corn any longer than that, they die. their digestive tracts cannot process the corn, and they become sick from eating it. nearly 70% of antibiotics in the U.S. is fed to livestock. because of the diet we impose upon our livestock, the meat we ingest has a 65% fat content. and this whole viscous cycle is put into place so that Americans can pull up to a fast food restaurant and pay one buck for a burger.
oh, and the corn that isn't used for food is put directly towards the making of ethanol.

i am thoroughly disgusted,
but happy to have the awareness of this. think about what you're eating, ya'll

combat discouragement with determination
-aly dowe

thanks for the reminder

feelin

upset,
frustrated,
more upset,
more frustrated

because money is getting in the way of my dreams. as it turns out, there is no way i will be able to support myself in pittsburgh after they took away a chunk of my scholarship. if i have to stay here, my motivation will be the first thing to go. i will get sucked into drama and stupid politics and living at home and i will settle. i can't do that to myself. i am meant for bigger things than utah holds.
my current plan is to pack up a car with my lover and our dog and live with my aunt on a ranch in montana until i get it all figured out.


fuck money.
and fuck a society that only allows the wealthy to get an education.

ingrid bergman was such a badass

7/16 a run on recap

whiskey shots drunken renditions of Wish You Were Here all of us crying over how beautiful life is reading books about magic eating homemade apple pie feeling empowered not even caring about my blister burned gimp feet talking with world travellers i might be the only girl who parties with her parents missing those dear to me who are abroad having their own adventures
loving Salt Lake despite all my resistance towards this place

 

this is how i see adam

colorscolorscolorscolorscolors

observations from when i was stranded today

two guys at the bus stop are discussing how sunblock is a hoax
it totally is, but i don't feel like piping in
the bus is $2.25 each way
talk about a hoax.
i know a recovering schizophrenic and i find myself terrified to ask her the questions i am dying to ask her.
Aly always told me that our art forms are necessary to the world. i love Aly because she isn't just talk.
waiting in the cafe of a corporate bookstore, drinking Starbucks cheap ass coffee. it's mediocre at best, but i admittedly have bitchy taste in coffee.
Adam told me that my soul is incredibly visible and tangible and impossible to ignore. and that is what made him fall in love with me: wondering what makes me so rare.
i can say the same for him.
i absolutely 100% desire a typewriter more than i desire a laptop that some Chinese slave baby got paid 3 cents an hour to assemble. but probably my parents will buy me a laptop for college because that's what american parents do.
i can't stop writing even though i am just spilling words of little importance
it is scary to me how we treat each other like robots. when i'm at work, i'm not a person, i'm just a vessel for others consumption. it's disgusting.
i am only 18 years old. sometimes i get ahead of myself and forget that. age is pretty arbitrary, but i should remind myself of how much i have accomplished and how infinite my possibilities are.
DIOS MIO there is a kid on a LEASH here. i thought that only existed in movies. wrong.on.so.many.levels

I'LL FOLLOW YOU AND MAKE A HEAVEN OUT OF HELL, AND I'LL DIE BY YOUR HAND WHICH I LOVE SO WELL

we'll sleep out in the garden. and if it rains, we'll sink into the mud. where it is quiet and much cooler than the house is and there is no clocks or phones to wake us up. because i have learned that nothing is as pressing as the one who is pressing would like you to believe. and i am content to walk a little slower, because there is nowhere that i really need to be.

these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold, and this apartment could not be prettier as we danced up there alone. this tv is old, the color is fucked, do you see the difference in the shades? but the green is still close to green, my love. and i believe that we are the same.

and we'll stay like this, all gold and green; the light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen.

-conor oberst

7/12 although really 7/12 since its 2 in the morning

7-12

greek yogurt kissed with honey and strawberries should be dessert but is widely considered breakfast.

it tears up my stomach

i eat it anyway.

i don't remember how to write about feeling sad trapped angry lost lonely

like habit tells me i should

because things are so fucking beautiful.

my arms are getting buff

my spine is getting straight

and i know that time is an illusion

David Adam lets me draw murals on his back and walks five miles uphill to see me and our story breathes unconventional love for always

i rub cedar oil under my ears and on my heart

to have a little piece of the forest with me in this city of salt

once a man asked me where i was from and told me it was not here

he is right all technicalities aside.

Alby

Fionn

Seamus

Roisin

Rory

Teagan

Ros

Nolan

are Gaelic names i am stashing for when i have to name something. (someone?)

typing not sleeping

the story of my existence

even in my dreams i can smell typewriter ink

and hear the little bell

and see the words so defined on the page

i want to be reading but my legs are too jumpy

i want to be outside but my muscles are too lazy

my tea is lukewarm at best and i think it is time to retire as much as insomniac whore me wants to rebel

au revoir,

until we meet again

listohlove

i love watching my cat curl into himself. i love lightening storms. i love driving aimlessly. i love drinking hot water rather than cold. i love immersing myself in art. i love David Adam. i love irish coffee. i love that my spine is straighter than it was. i love anatomy. i love a day filled with things to learn. i love my glasses. i love gemstones. i love soul music. i love stretching. i love the ability to change. i love how much of a libra i am. i love reading in a hammock. i love how my muscles feel after a bike ride. i love fruit. i love having mountains for a backyard. i love scarves. i love the orthopedic grandma shoes i just bought even though i hate shoes. i love pretty much everything except cupcakes and allergies.

dear self,

please stop changing your mind all the time. especially towards giant life decisions.

regards,
self

eggzahhhstchyuuuun

in the past 48 hours i have:
biked 8 miles
worked 11 hours
slept 2 hours
woke up at 5
hiked a mountain barefoot in the sunrise
worked 9 more hours

currently collapsing on my bed, about to take a well deserved night of sleep. hoping Adam's camping trip is not getting stormed out/really wishing i had gone camping. comforted by my bulldog's snoring. yaaawn.

these lyrics always get me

So there was this woman and she was on an airplane,
and she was flying to meet her fiance seaming high above the largest ocean on planet earth.
She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversations,
but the only thing she had really heard him say was to order his Bloody Mary.
She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country
that she couldn't even pronounce the name of.
And she was feeling very bored and despondent.
And then suddenly there was this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out,
and they started just falling thirty-thousand feet,
and the pilots on the microphone and he's saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh my god... I'm sorry" and apologizing.
And she looks at the man and says "Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says "We're going to a party.
It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party.
Happy birthday darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much."
And then he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

We must talk in every telephone
Get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read
And in the face of every criminal
Strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare

We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell
Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell
And in the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream
We must sing, we must sing, we must sing

It'll go like this:

While my mother waters plants
My father loads his guns
He says death will give us back to God
Just like this setting sun is returned to this lonesome ocean

And then they splashed into the deep blue sea
It was a wonderful splash

We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

We must hang up in the belfry
Where the bats and moonlight laugh
We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
And in the caverns of tomorrow
With just our flashlights and our love
We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge

And then we'll get down there, way down to the very bottom of everything
And then we'll see it, oh we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one

lately

-hanging out in my underwear is a frequent occurrence
-(truth be told hanging out naked is a frequent occurrence)
-riding my bike all.over.this.city. 8 miles a day or so. i feel buff, and i also feel sweaty
-made my own shampoo! 1/4 c Dr. Bonners castille soap, splash of jojoba oil, splash of tea trea, splash of orange oil, some distilled water. bam. no crazy chemicals. happyhappy hair
-filled my room with chakra candles and dragons blood incense. acquired two protection gemstones from this psychic guy who fell in love with me and told me to learn self defense before i move to Pittsburgh on account of my beauty. aw.
-yes, i'm a hippie. yes, i believe in magic. and no, i won't squander myself to make you feel more comfortable
-cried all over Adam more times than my pride wants to admit. the idea of leaving him gets progressively harder
-discovered coconut juice and croquet
-bought my very first pair of heels ever. in case i ever need to kick some ass and look hawt doing it. they are red
-watched my dad's band open for f'in BOB MARLEY'S band. crazy awesome
-remembered how good i feel when i drink water, don't eat sugar, exercise, and listen to my body
-becoming rather excited for all the world-class concerts in my future

i trust that all will unfold like it should.

Please meet me at Neverland

First star on the right and straight on til morning.

schizophrenia. for susan

she won't look you in the eye and her
hands shake as she
organizes twelve pills a day seven days a drawn out week
things are fine for
now,
the tv runs, food stamps are in order, a smoke once in a
while.

she used to believe
Someone is after me
Someone is after me and i have to run away
she twisted her eight year old's hand in hers and told him they were going on an adventure
he was happy when his suitcase was stolen
he didn't have to carry it  from state to state to state
anymore.

               mom, you went to college?
               yes, i went to college
               teachers say college will make life good
               yes
               why isn't life good?

stability means being hallowed out and left to an empty room.

care packages

coffee, rooibus tea and a letter that made me cry.
it has almost been a year.

hanging out with adult women drinking white wine and shooting the shit. i have never gotten along with my own age group very well.

Moroccan oil, posh looking hair, barbeque with the stubborn side of my family, teaching a two year old how to blow bubbles, thinking how wretched pregnancy would be in the heat of a dry summer.

wondering about how 6 months will be when 2 days feels like a lifetime.

shopping makes me sick