today i filled up my journal

the one i have been writing in every single day since september 10, 2010. 'tis bittersweet. here are some cheesy photos to mark the occasion:

SLOWLY WE UNFOLD

i used to want friends,
now all i want is to fill my mouth with mountain lake air and fill my space with pentax prints of places that feel like mine alone.

film smells like memories that you worked for.

somewhere out there is the thing that makes me know that i am not meant for sinking. the thing that i'll stay up chain smoking and sweating over because it's worth it, what you love it always worth it.

s y s t e m atic

desire: someone fierce to be in my daily life

i feel weeks turn over and blow away like
leaves under a tree
what am i doing?
i'm sleeping in late
i'm working on a career
i'm doing smart, sensible things
i'm worrying like Thoreau did
that i'll die only to realize i never lived.
it's not what you do, it's how you do it
i'm doing things in a lesser shade of the vibrance i once blossomed under

desire: someone fierce to be in my daily life

so that i don't forget what it feels like.

“i don’t want to repeat my innocence. i want the pleasure of losing it again.”


-f. scott fitzgerald

things i wish still happened

-walks through neighborhoods with big hills, picking magnolias and talking big about love
-sitting in the parked car wordlessly. sometimes crying, sometimes not. sometimes music, sometimes not.
-soy lattes and vegan cupcakes
-going to parties despite hating parties
-never being static
-always creating
-sushi/slurpee dates
-sunday hikes & meditations
-conversations that always left me breathless and inspired
-spending too much money on burritos
-exploring

soon,
soon,
soon,

i love thursdays

it's one hour into this one.
i'm awake puking up words for any internet fiend who feels like stopping by
i got a job!
i feel very strongly about the occupy wall street movement but haven't done a thing to support it
i have decided that in two years i am moving to europe, if i may muster the willpower to save money rather than spending it on records.
money doesn't mean anything. black magic. an invisible system that we've made the fulcrum of the entire human existence.
i know people who refuse to touch money. who live free of it.
and let me tell you,
they are happy people.

my father deployed today.

i'm the type of girl who spent elementary school deciding on universities with prestige and such
drooling over the idea of an adult education
the type of girl who thought people who didn't go to college were stupid.
and here i am
not going to college. blissfully.
the universe has a fantastic sense of humor

sometimes salt lake feels like a fish bowl,
sometimes salt lake feels like a road that never ends

listening to the BBC in French

because i hope to absorb something i can't quite touch
a dream you wake up with in the back of your throat 
clawing, scratching
to be verbalized into 
a plan
a place to point your feet.

my flat will be painted red and covered in 
tastefully
or maybe distastefully 
nude art ,

and i will look out the window and think

the only thing i really need is myself.

nbd

photo by Angela Brown, SLUG Magazine

WHO AM I TO
 BLOW
AGAINST
THE
WIND
?

AH

AHHHHHHhhhhhhh

i do this thing every once in a while where i watch documentaries all night
and every time i do that

the world gets me down
and my beliefs get me up

things that stress me out:
-how we are running out of water
-how our food system is fucked
-how all the bees are dying
-how we are suppressing knowledge of alternative energy sources and continuing to feed the psychotic oil system.  (did you know the man who first tried to present the electric car to the public was thrown in prison without a trial?)
-how porn is a billion dollar a year industry which is functioning to teach men to treat women like shit which leads to many other things that stress me out
-how kids are being turned into pill poppers before they even hit kindergarden
-how people like Rick Perry even exist
-how scary of a stronghold religion has, how people hinge their lives on the bible -which i find to be incoherent and ridiculous
-how gays are treated as if they are not humans
-how real news is practically nonexistent
-WAR, everything to do with war
-how there is absolutely a cure for cancer that is being withheld in order for the medical system to make money
-how technology is surpassing intellect
-HOW FUCKING APATHETIC MY GENERATION IS. seriously. i can rant and rant and rant only to be called a hippie as they get back to their pressing game of Angry Birds
-how absolutely atrocious the meat system is
-how everyone is unhappy and afraid to do anything about it
-how sad our education system is
-our complete lack of consciousness as humanity
-so
-many
-other
-things

things that make me feel better:
-being surrounded by souls who are fighting to change their reality with art, compassion and love
-believing in progression
-planning my future

...and my bulldog.

dreams

of crammed apartments with red walls
frantic typewriting
cigarettes and coffee.

water walls
deathly,
ravaging,
silencing apart from the single tear that braves his face.

fields/fields/fields
the only two things being
my soul
and the green

trees, sweaters, curly hair
foggy roads, running

of staring at a disappointed face
and dissolving
into
something
nothing

everything.

LEAP

AND
THE
NET
APPEARS

october thus far includes:

-my favorite gloomy weather

-every material thing i could ever hope for

-shooting film, which makes me giddy

-sweaters

-my first piece of writing published

-a sense of beginnings

''people never notice anything''

-catcher in the rye

your rocky spine

i was lost in the lakes
and the shape that your body makes
that your body makes

and the mountains said i could find you here
they whisper the snow and the leaves in my ear
i traced my fingers along your trails
your body was the map
i was lost in there

floating over your rocky spine
the glaciers made you and now you're mine

i was moving across your frozen veneer
the sky was dark
but you were clear
could you feel my footsteps?
and would you shatter, would you shatter?
would you?

your soft fingers between my claws
like purity against resolve
i could tell then that we were formed from the clay
and came from the rocks for earth to display

they told me to be careful up there
where the wind rages through your hair

-great lake swimmers

there is only one way to go

fact:
i am the queen of whiplash mind changes.
another fact:
underneath all of my indecisions are stubborn values
the most important of which is to live
BOUNDLESSLY.

so,
we talked with clear minds and clear lungs
and came to this,

i do not own him
he does not own me
we are free
and we love each other for free
there are no ties
no gimmicks
we choose each other
not out of obligation
not out of expectation
unconditionally

you can't lose something if you never held it tight

i do not have a boyfriend
i have a person who loves me no matter what
who wants for me what i want for me
and is not an anchor

thank you for everything

p.s.

what would i do without late night bunny skypes anyway?