midnight omelette

there is still jalapeno under my nails,
                                                            i know because i bite them.


i feel microcosmic
i feel macrocosmic
i feel that the night i knew you were > all the deadend wannabe artists with groomed hair and a knack for saying the wrong things at the right times

the moon was full as a curvy woman's hips
and i sleeplessly felt its caress through the sky the roof my heart
it carried me pieces of you
and they fit

people ask me if i'm madly in love with a smirk
people ask me what happens when it goes wrong
first loves die hard, they say
i don't know what happened to make everyone assume that
love is destined to be a ship lost at sea

my mom raised me to be tenacious
and i am directing it towards us
you & i & our story
what we create is more real than the world

thank you moon

i cant stop smiling

-i'm staying here!
-i'm writing for SLUG!
-i'm moving in with the person i love the most!
-i'm starting school and excited about it!
-a photographer i admire asked for a copy of one of my photos to frame in his house!
-i got a yoga pass!
-i am at the beginning of a magical adventure

happy birthday aly!

hope it kicks arse. see you in 4 months.

' i don't think anything dies as slow or hard as a writer' - bukowski

8/29

walked through a downpour hand in hand
someone up there in the sky really likes flash photography
concocted late night breakfast burritos
i eat onions like apples
the thing about Adam is
we work on this run-on sentence
and he can make me laugh and cry on a dime
always because it's so beautiful
new (old) shoes, new (old) couch
and a moment with no end

because i'm not too cool for webcam photos

biked 13 miles uphill  while partially blind (after losing my glasses) in 98 degree weather with no socks and a heavy backpack to the work that has yet to pay me this month where i serve snooty old women baked goods
#iquit
#stickaforkinme
#twoweeksnotice

blogging at the library makes me feel like everyone in the world is reading this)

i've got fire under my ass in a good way. by that i mean, i am READY. for everything. for sitting down tonight and talking through my thoughts until i get my jumblyfumbly self set on a path and a plan. for organizing all my ambition and inspiration into something tangible. for moving out. for blank pages and furiously scribbled pages.

to
the
i
n
f
i
n
i
t
e
i  belong
and that is where i shall dwell.

looking forward with eyes/heart/mind swung wide open

change my mind so much i can't even trust it

And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint who I am
When I finally get it figured out, I've changed the whole damn plan



....oh Modest Mouse. you're singin' the truth. this Libra's gotta lot of decisions to figure out.

i love when adam leaves me notes about his life philosophies

-love your silly world
-stop and smell the roses but don't miss the bus home
-listen and understand (to that little voice as well)
-pay attention to your attention span
-love leads the way and shapes my world, my way will be love
-call few friends and fewer enemies
-kung-fu means well practiced, to the point of art. walk with kung-fu
-own your space and stick to your guns
-consciousness
-forgiveness comes with understanding and listening
-home is where my mind rests
-what doesn't kill you might try again
-mind is the fear killer. courage doesn't mean no fear
-everything is borrowed
-balance in everything
-don't let your ego float, it makes it hard to hear
-seize opportunity
-don't cry over spilt milk
-act, don't re-act

great grandmother Jeannine

too busy worrying about how she doesn't want the spots on her hands photographed

to notice me photographing the spots on her hands

and dubbing them beautiful

to the education system: eat bleach

everyone around me is starting college. and those years and years and years of teachers telling me that my entire life hinges on that step seem like roadsigns i am passing by on a furious adventure
                                                     i couldn't be happier.

with taking some time for myself. independent growth. wisdom. knowledge not from a textbook. 
i am headed to school eventually. i may idealist but i know i will never get a job i love without it
technique/technicalities are
important i guess
that's what i will take from school
although i have been told i have what can't be taught
and i choose to believe it.
college will be just what i need,
i just don't need it right this second because

right this second, i feel like following my gypsy blood. making connections / sleeping on unfamiliar floors / failing gloriously.
in the upcoming months i am going to write ! be published ! get my photography out there!

continue working on this equation that i am certain is the key to life:

LOVE > EVERYTHING

south

photos of my young great-grandfather look like Adam
sometimes life goes full circle
my great-grandmother tells me cream is better for you than milk
and that she won't drink coffee but will 'sip it, to make sure you're on the right track'
conviction is a funny thing

i see pain draped like ancient drapes across people's faces
i want to reach out and let the sunshine break through

burying myself under poloroids from the generations before me
in the expressions
in the shoes
in the stories they tell that are typed in my blood
hibernating until the moments when i need to hear something
and it's right there

what sets me apart? staring up at the lives of women with ravishing values and red lipstick

mediocrity never crossed their minds

working a job you hate

we
sat
on
your
couch,
and cried.
literally on each others shoulders.
unverbal
unequivocal
undeniable that the world is a place where you can stand on your feet  for 12 hours and be treated as a robot for your fellow
mans
consumption,
where your mom takes so much lithium she can't keep a job / because if she didn't the voices whisper her wicked things

the world
is
a
fucking
mess.
somehow that is still an elephant in everyone's room
but i find beauty in our caring enough
to
cry,
and begin anew.

6 months

lightening

can't sleep because i'm busy hoping this fog of worry in my head doesn't formulate into something tangible
i think any step i take in any direction is the first of a brave adventure
i have nothing to fear but tend to forget that
it is 4:13 in the morning
i am seeking a person who can tell me things i already know but am struggling to see,
an enlightened perspective
only people i care about ever read these ramblings which makes me feel like 'tis okay to ramble
[ :) ]
i hope by this time tomorrow, i will be able to rake my restless thoughts into one pile
and breathe deeply.

bonne nuit, mon amies

P.S.

i hugged Conor Oberst, my favorite musician. nbd.

if i could i would keep this feeling in a plastic jar

things of note:

-irish skin + sun are not the best of friends
-i say this a lot, but i love my bike
-Craft Lake City was awesome, put on by awesome people, full of awesome art and music
-i love Indiana Jones'in my way onto Trax
-one of my best buddies is heading out on his mission, very much against his will. as  much as that sucks, i know he will spread love/laughs/smiles wherever he goes. i am sending him off with Siddhartha (which everyone in a life crisis should read) and a sketchbook. best on your adventures Cam
-i also say this a lot, but i am so lucky to have Adam in my life
- short term art related goals include: get my photography hung up somewhere, write an article for SLUG, get paid for a photoshoot, continue painting
-i love my deck of tarot cards
-it truly is fun to play matchmaker
-my Walkman has served me well, but i think it is finally time to replace my stolen ipod. aw

I ALWAYS FALL IN LOVE WITH AN OPEN DOOR

you can't watch this

and tell me Mormon's are living in the honor of Jesus Christ

you can't analyze this

http://www.npr.org/2011/08/05/138995325/rick-perrys-religious-revival-sparks-a-holy-war

and tell me that we live in a country where separation of church and state is upheld

you can't read these words

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/sexual-identity/progay-revisionist-theology/our-position.aspx

and tell me Christians aren't breeding bigotry and hate towards their own brothers and sisters

leaving some gays no option 

but to die trying to 'fix' their gay feelings

by committing suicide

justifying the most sickening rape of human rights

with a concept of a petulant God

 that only loves some people

i do not believe in hate

i do not believe i am superior to those who hate

i believe that attempting to separate humanity from humanity is futile

and the cause of much guilt and grief

i believe that intrinsically, we are one and the same

that there is nothing on any level that makes one person unequal from another

unless we choose to see it that way

i believe that the fear-based system the majority of the world is precariously teetering on

is about to collapse

and that love leads the way

to new beginnings

to enlightenment

to an age where universal joy, truth and freedom exists

i cannot stop and will not stop ranting about things i find important
i believe complacency will be the death of my generation
if someone reads my thoughts and ponders them
that is beautiful
if no one reads my thoughts
that is beautiful

good night to all with love from a fire-veined journalist who stays up all night watching documentaries
xxoo

to my best friend:

sending you brave thoughts
be safe
you are a vital person to a changing world
what are the chances of it being your street?
neither of us believe in coincidences
i love you

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/aug/09/liverpool-riots-toxteth-residents-describe-chaos

8/7

we almost made it
turned a corner and they bit his neck
he wanted me to go on,
i refused to leave him
we went down
but at least we went down together

p.s. this is the cheesiest bestest bloodiest thing ever

don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees

at one point in time one summer ago,
i remember thinking:

i could die right this second and be satisfied because i know everything there is to know about myself and the universe

and looking back now, i see how silly that is & i will never make such a statement again

you see, the beauty of life is in the processs
the blind faith
we are always walking in dark rooms with our hands feeling
my ability to grow is as unfathomably large as the galaxies we are a single grain of sand swirling amongst

i don't know what i'm doing
and that's the best part

right about now

-scheming my zombie walk getup
-deciding which yoga website to drop money on
-desiring to skip out of town
-wondering where i can get my photography hung up
-dreaming about the big skies i am headed for
-digesting my favorite meal of hummus kale and carrots
-bonding with my brudder
-procrastinating laundry
-oozing with possibilities

i'm in love with the world

i have been writing in my red leather graph paper journal since september 10, 2010. i use it as a device for my own sanity. i can't sleep unless i transfer words to paper.
sometimes i take for granted how much of my life i carry around in a falling-apart book.

it's my art.

time means nothing

we're all right where we're supposed to be
we're all right where we're supposed to be
we're all right where we're supposed to be

just in case you didn't know

the medical system is wack.
i know because i spent 2 uncomfortable hours in a clinic this morning
where they tell me my results are abnormal
but won't tell me what that means

all these men were shot

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. -Martin Luther King, Jr


Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be a s big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. 
-John F. Kennedy

 If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
-John Lennon

dios fucking mio

i am drowning in documentaries and my insides are burning up and i can't sit still because everything is corrupt.

truth is like a bad date that stands you up more often than it shows up,
and when it does it hands you the check and all the blame.

i'm out to change that. sitting here on my dog-haired couch, i know that in the not-too-far-off future i will be taking photos of wars, disasters and the like, writing it all down and fighting to let it be seen and understood.

i changed the name of this blog to ASK QUESTIONS. and i mean it. elitist leaders feast off of  a stagnant, apathetic audience. it's a classic case in history and the trouble is we keep letting it happen because we think it's out of our control. we are convinced the world is going to end with a bang, but it's been ending since it started. humanity has continually raped the earth and each other; advancing in technology while barely reaching infanthood in respect for life. it doesn't have to be that way.


all it takes is awareness. like Henry Miller said,

be joyously drunkenly serenely divinely aware

i think it's a common misconception that everything is fine, and that the government is looking out for us, and that God will save us all in the end so it really doesn't matter what we do as long as we do it with a good heart. i'm not here to judge, only to spread what i see and to ask others to do the same. watch the news with a critical eye. read up on your history. look around you. listen to views you might think are crazy. develop an objective eye and the ability to decide for yourself what is true.


the world is indeed shifting; it's our love that leads the way