sometimes

you hit a deer on your way home from Christmas,
right after you smash your iPod

and then you're back to square one:

reliant on public transportation
with a walkman in hand.


fuck!

i hate the helpless feeling of not being able to pick up and drive somewhere.
prior to yesterday my release from work stress was to
drive somewhere new
park
play something loud
and take up my fractional space in the universe.

no more of that for a while.

fuck.

cold desire

let me curl up next to your fireplace heart.

you make it so hard.

i got a typewriter

which has been my dream since i was 10 years old and wanted to be Harriet the Spy.

tonight i spent 4 hours and tried to write things that would win over his heart and soul,

even though i know
it's not a game
and there is no such thing as losing.

[[ i just want to be the closest thing to you. ]]

i've been working on piece that speaks of sex and desperation.

12.16

tomorrow let’s put whiskey to our lips and a road under our toes

let’s find a frozen lake and fill our lungs with majestic silence

i dream of a house with windows all around,

of standing with naked feet

of looking but not searching

i won't judge your destructive habits if you don't judge mine

-camera
-journal
-whiskey
-smokes
-warm socks
-happy music
-americanos with cream

we sit by his fire and look at the city with these things. he says,
you are my kind of girl.

i say, you're beautiful.



with fondness and blackberry juice,
kiagen

moonlight reminds

awooooo

I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE TONIGHT AND LOVE HOT SPRINGS AND HOW I FELL IN LOVE AND HOW I WANT TO WEAR HIS CLOTHING AND KNOW EVERY GRAIN OF SAND IN HIS SOUL AND HOW EASY AND SIMPLE AND BEAUTIFUL

timing.

this,
this is completely new.

''I was born on the Summer Solstice, 92.
I want to be free.''

eat a pomegranate together naked at a blue table
don't care that the juice is everywhere.

connect silently on the floor to Dark Side of the Moon

skip in circles and howl to the moon


embrace the cold of the fire escape, cigarette smoke and a view of the cathedral

a voice that you feel in your bones,


and a very hard night to crawl away from in the morning.

11.30

sometimes i get the fierce feeling that i am about to meet someone who will change everything.

i'm bouncing with anticipation.

lately my days have included laying in the back of my car with the hatch open to the cold,
standing in the corner of shows,
working, drinking tea,
writing slam poems
reading Cat's Cradle
sketching things that i wake up with in my head
trying to be more bold.

i think it is time for hot springs and a trip south, where i always feel fresh.

also, i've been laughing more.

have you missed my lists?

-my great-grandfather passed away. he could beat me at cards even near the end.
-i am in love with a 4 year old named Elliott
-Junot Diaz is my favorite author
-i spend my days knee deep in either music reviews or pastry cream
-my decision making is questionable
-counting down to December 29
-the first roll of film on my new Pentax camera looked dark and gross
-i'm going to meet someone important. i can feel it.
-looking forward to my classes next semester
-right this second --> making ginger spice cookies


'quaking leaves
and broken light
shifting skin,
the coming night
the bearers of all good things arrive
climb inside us
twist and cry
a  kiss on your molten eyes'

aching

now.

this wasn't meant to hurt.

toxic and timeless

IF I DON'T COME BACK,
I MEAN,
IF I GET SIDETRACKED,

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I WANTED TO

this inspires me

TIME DIDN'T WEAR AWAY MY FEELINGS FOR YOU, LOVE
JUST RUSTED THEM AND MADE THEM HARD TO FIND

Thomas

forgetting you is an impossibility that presents itself ,,,

awareness is the slender shiver your spirit sends trembling through my marrow
it crosses my eyes and sometimes they notice.

unspoken lover,
you heard me when you dissolved
you heard me make the painful human discovery :
death means
i can't touch you even though
you are right there

remember how at your funeral, your mother and father didn't cry?
it either meant strength or suppression. i cried until my couch could not possibly absorb one more
tear,
always struck with the sensation that i knew you better than anyone and then feeling selfish because that is a fucking lie.

bravery is the look on your sallow face the day the chemotherapy made you blind
triumphant, knowing and peaceful
accepting
unafraid.
that night i knew before the phone call
your last seconds echoed in my blood.

echo they shall.

you belong to the impossible largeness of love
and it's okay that i never said the three words
because

in my head, you were never really dead.

today i filled up my journal

the one i have been writing in every single day since september 10, 2010. 'tis bittersweet. here are some cheesy photos to mark the occasion:

SLOWLY WE UNFOLD

i used to want friends,
now all i want is to fill my mouth with mountain lake air and fill my space with pentax prints of places that feel like mine alone.

film smells like memories that you worked for.

somewhere out there is the thing that makes me know that i am not meant for sinking. the thing that i'll stay up chain smoking and sweating over because it's worth it, what you love it always worth it.

s y s t e m atic

desire: someone fierce to be in my daily life

i feel weeks turn over and blow away like
leaves under a tree
what am i doing?
i'm sleeping in late
i'm working on a career
i'm doing smart, sensible things
i'm worrying like Thoreau did
that i'll die only to realize i never lived.
it's not what you do, it's how you do it
i'm doing things in a lesser shade of the vibrance i once blossomed under

desire: someone fierce to be in my daily life

so that i don't forget what it feels like.

“i don’t want to repeat my innocence. i want the pleasure of losing it again.”


-f. scott fitzgerald

things i wish still happened

-walks through neighborhoods with big hills, picking magnolias and talking big about love
-sitting in the parked car wordlessly. sometimes crying, sometimes not. sometimes music, sometimes not.
-soy lattes and vegan cupcakes
-going to parties despite hating parties
-never being static
-always creating
-sushi/slurpee dates
-sunday hikes & meditations
-conversations that always left me breathless and inspired
-spending too much money on burritos
-exploring

soon,
soon,
soon,

i love thursdays

it's one hour into this one.
i'm awake puking up words for any internet fiend who feels like stopping by
i got a job!
i feel very strongly about the occupy wall street movement but haven't done a thing to support it
i have decided that in two years i am moving to europe, if i may muster the willpower to save money rather than spending it on records.
money doesn't mean anything. black magic. an invisible system that we've made the fulcrum of the entire human existence.
i know people who refuse to touch money. who live free of it.
and let me tell you,
they are happy people.

my father deployed today.

i'm the type of girl who spent elementary school deciding on universities with prestige and such
drooling over the idea of an adult education
the type of girl who thought people who didn't go to college were stupid.
and here i am
not going to college. blissfully.
the universe has a fantastic sense of humor

sometimes salt lake feels like a fish bowl,
sometimes salt lake feels like a road that never ends

listening to the BBC in French

because i hope to absorb something i can't quite touch
a dream you wake up with in the back of your throat 
clawing, scratching
to be verbalized into 
a plan
a place to point your feet.

my flat will be painted red and covered in 
tastefully
or maybe distastefully 
nude art ,

and i will look out the window and think

the only thing i really need is myself.

nbd

photo by Angela Brown, SLUG Magazine

WHO AM I TO
 BLOW
AGAINST
THE
WIND
?

AH

AHHHHHHhhhhhhh

i do this thing every once in a while where i watch documentaries all night
and every time i do that

the world gets me down
and my beliefs get me up

things that stress me out:
-how we are running out of water
-how our food system is fucked
-how all the bees are dying
-how we are suppressing knowledge of alternative energy sources and continuing to feed the psychotic oil system.  (did you know the man who first tried to present the electric car to the public was thrown in prison without a trial?)
-how porn is a billion dollar a year industry which is functioning to teach men to treat women like shit which leads to many other things that stress me out
-how kids are being turned into pill poppers before they even hit kindergarden
-how people like Rick Perry even exist
-how scary of a stronghold religion has, how people hinge their lives on the bible -which i find to be incoherent and ridiculous
-how gays are treated as if they are not humans
-how real news is practically nonexistent
-WAR, everything to do with war
-how there is absolutely a cure for cancer that is being withheld in order for the medical system to make money
-how technology is surpassing intellect
-HOW FUCKING APATHETIC MY GENERATION IS. seriously. i can rant and rant and rant only to be called a hippie as they get back to their pressing game of Angry Birds
-how absolutely atrocious the meat system is
-how everyone is unhappy and afraid to do anything about it
-how sad our education system is
-our complete lack of consciousness as humanity
-so
-many
-other
-things

things that make me feel better:
-being surrounded by souls who are fighting to change their reality with art, compassion and love
-believing in progression
-planning my future

...and my bulldog.

dreams

of crammed apartments with red walls
frantic typewriting
cigarettes and coffee.

water walls
deathly,
ravaging,
silencing apart from the single tear that braves his face.

fields/fields/fields
the only two things being
my soul
and the green

trees, sweaters, curly hair
foggy roads, running

of staring at a disappointed face
and dissolving
into
something
nothing

everything.

LEAP

AND
THE
NET
APPEARS

october thus far includes:

-my favorite gloomy weather

-every material thing i could ever hope for

-shooting film, which makes me giddy

-sweaters

-my first piece of writing published

-a sense of beginnings

''people never notice anything''

-catcher in the rye

your rocky spine

i was lost in the lakes
and the shape that your body makes
that your body makes

and the mountains said i could find you here
they whisper the snow and the leaves in my ear
i traced my fingers along your trails
your body was the map
i was lost in there

floating over your rocky spine
the glaciers made you and now you're mine

i was moving across your frozen veneer
the sky was dark
but you were clear
could you feel my footsteps?
and would you shatter, would you shatter?
would you?

your soft fingers between my claws
like purity against resolve
i could tell then that we were formed from the clay
and came from the rocks for earth to display

they told me to be careful up there
where the wind rages through your hair

-great lake swimmers

there is only one way to go

fact:
i am the queen of whiplash mind changes.
another fact:
underneath all of my indecisions are stubborn values
the most important of which is to live
BOUNDLESSLY.

so,
we talked with clear minds and clear lungs
and came to this,

i do not own him
he does not own me
we are free
and we love each other for free
there are no ties
no gimmicks
we choose each other
not out of obligation
not out of expectation
unconditionally

you can't lose something if you never held it tight

i do not have a boyfriend
i have a person who loves me no matter what
who wants for me what i want for me
and is not an anchor

thank you for everything

p.s.

what would i do without late night bunny skypes anyway?

i think i might secretly be laura marling

or at least her soul sister

don't hold yourself like that
you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back
that's all i need
don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down

and what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea

don't throw yourself like that
in front of me
you kissed my mouth, your back
is that all you need?
don't drag my love around
volcanoes melt me down

what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask

for what i give to you is just what i'm going through
this nothing new, no no, just another phase of finding
what i really need
is what makes me bleed
but like a new disease, she's still too young to treat
volcanoes melt you down
she's still too young
she's still too young
what i am to you
you do not need
is not real

i kissed your mouth
you do not need me

the big one - nine

today marks the day that i can officially buy cigarettes and rolling papers. i have hit the big times, let me tell you.

september 28, 2011 for me included:

-MY VERY OWN MACBOOK (!!!!)
-my favorite breakfast of norwegian waffles
-the purchasing of the first purse i have ever owned
-cheesy cards from my grandparents
-48 or so impersonal internet hbd greetings
-frozen custard (fuck lactose intolerance)


i am a spoiled fiend. thanks, everybody.

all is within (i wrote this months ago)

awareness ->choice -> freedom 

i want to be the canvas for      stories,      secrets,      terrors,      beauties
gloriously painted in truth's                                                              
                                       colors

um, hi

i am about as poetic as a dirty sock lately
everything seems slow and a little out of reach
i am turning 19 in a few hours
birthdays don't mean shit,
but it's good justification to do whatever the fuck i want.
i'm feeling profane,too.
i miss my best friend,
indescribably.
look for me in the october SLUG,
i'm about to be published.
that's pretty cool.

advice given to me:

SPEAK FORWARD.

trying
trying
trying.

i feel sort of stiff,

physically and the other way too
like maybe i need to do river yoga
like maybe i am dwelling on things that don't serve me
like maybe i am talking shit on a pretty sunset

some permanence

infinity

protection 

family

if i liked hanging out with girls

my netflix wouldn't see so much of me.
i'm doing a self-perpetuated loneliness thing.
i don't know why.
i keep having dreams in which someone i love tells me they are disappointed in me.
i think that's my subconscious feeling sad for doing what i promised to never do,
even though it's good as long as i look at it logically and not with the blood i have
that longs to be nomadic.
it has cooled off enough to wear flannel
i wish i could take off up a canyon and sleep there
watching shooting stars in a spot know one knows about
except me.

limits are an illusion.

songs for today

wet

we raced a thunderstorm and we won

drops formed

in

my

hair,

fell in your cup of tea

a little taste of universe to fill your bones

with.

cherish:

the way my eyelashes flutter in the nook of your spine the way moonlight mutters lacy somethings , love shrine

i just may

curl up under your eyelashes and never come out.

sometimes you just gotta skip out of town

Adam is a notorious overpacker

i'm watching him stuff his meant -for -80 -mile -backpacking -trips-backpack completely full for our 1 night hot springs adventure.

it's okay, though
i am notorious at losing everything
and he's still adorable.

the gap

between dreams & reality is
tiny
right now
fractional
everything is fluttering into the prettiest of places


i am writing for a magazine, i just got a volunteer position at my favorite music venue, i have a new camera and a new bakery jobs in the works, the weather is a changin, it's almost new journal time

my future is shining shining shining brighter

own your space

in other news

Adam accidentally sliced his thumb, straight through to the bone. be careful with knives, kids.
healing process is thus far including:
-nerding out on old school Dragon Ball Z episodes
-grapefruit juice
-excessive sleep
-lots o' love

it's september!

i love the first night where you leave the window open and get chilly enough for a blanket

it's been six months since an awesome thing happened, a landmark of many more landmarks to come

i am determined to get a sweet new non-cupcake baking gig

next weekend we are headed on a mini-roadtrip

i need to eat more protein

i can't wait to get my hands on a dark room

i will be 19 in a few weeks. ah!

midnight omelette

there is still jalapeno under my nails,
                                                            i know because i bite them.


i feel microcosmic
i feel macrocosmic
i feel that the night i knew you were > all the deadend wannabe artists with groomed hair and a knack for saying the wrong things at the right times

the moon was full as a curvy woman's hips
and i sleeplessly felt its caress through the sky the roof my heart
it carried me pieces of you
and they fit

people ask me if i'm madly in love with a smirk
people ask me what happens when it goes wrong
first loves die hard, they say
i don't know what happened to make everyone assume that
love is destined to be a ship lost at sea

my mom raised me to be tenacious
and i am directing it towards us
you & i & our story
what we create is more real than the world

thank you moon

i cant stop smiling

-i'm staying here!
-i'm writing for SLUG!
-i'm moving in with the person i love the most!
-i'm starting school and excited about it!
-a photographer i admire asked for a copy of one of my photos to frame in his house!
-i got a yoga pass!
-i am at the beginning of a magical adventure

happy birthday aly!

hope it kicks arse. see you in 4 months.

' i don't think anything dies as slow or hard as a writer' - bukowski

8/29

walked through a downpour hand in hand
someone up there in the sky really likes flash photography
concocted late night breakfast burritos
i eat onions like apples
the thing about Adam is
we work on this run-on sentence
and he can make me laugh and cry on a dime
always because it's so beautiful
new (old) shoes, new (old) couch
and a moment with no end

because i'm not too cool for webcam photos

biked 13 miles uphill  while partially blind (after losing my glasses) in 98 degree weather with no socks and a heavy backpack to the work that has yet to pay me this month where i serve snooty old women baked goods
#iquit
#stickaforkinme
#twoweeksnotice

blogging at the library makes me feel like everyone in the world is reading this)

i've got fire under my ass in a good way. by that i mean, i am READY. for everything. for sitting down tonight and talking through my thoughts until i get my jumblyfumbly self set on a path and a plan. for organizing all my ambition and inspiration into something tangible. for moving out. for blank pages and furiously scribbled pages.

to
the
i
n
f
i
n
i
t
e
i  belong
and that is where i shall dwell.

looking forward with eyes/heart/mind swung wide open

change my mind so much i can't even trust it

And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint who I am
When I finally get it figured out, I've changed the whole damn plan



....oh Modest Mouse. you're singin' the truth. this Libra's gotta lot of decisions to figure out.

i love when adam leaves me notes about his life philosophies

-love your silly world
-stop and smell the roses but don't miss the bus home
-listen and understand (to that little voice as well)
-pay attention to your attention span
-love leads the way and shapes my world, my way will be love
-call few friends and fewer enemies
-kung-fu means well practiced, to the point of art. walk with kung-fu
-own your space and stick to your guns
-consciousness
-forgiveness comes with understanding and listening
-home is where my mind rests
-what doesn't kill you might try again
-mind is the fear killer. courage doesn't mean no fear
-everything is borrowed
-balance in everything
-don't let your ego float, it makes it hard to hear
-seize opportunity
-don't cry over spilt milk
-act, don't re-act

great grandmother Jeannine

too busy worrying about how she doesn't want the spots on her hands photographed

to notice me photographing the spots on her hands

and dubbing them beautiful

to the education system: eat bleach

everyone around me is starting college. and those years and years and years of teachers telling me that my entire life hinges on that step seem like roadsigns i am passing by on a furious adventure
                                                     i couldn't be happier.

with taking some time for myself. independent growth. wisdom. knowledge not from a textbook. 
i am headed to school eventually. i may idealist but i know i will never get a job i love without it
technique/technicalities are
important i guess
that's what i will take from school
although i have been told i have what can't be taught
and i choose to believe it.
college will be just what i need,
i just don't need it right this second because

right this second, i feel like following my gypsy blood. making connections / sleeping on unfamiliar floors / failing gloriously.
in the upcoming months i am going to write ! be published ! get my photography out there!

continue working on this equation that i am certain is the key to life:

LOVE > EVERYTHING

south

photos of my young great-grandfather look like Adam
sometimes life goes full circle
my great-grandmother tells me cream is better for you than milk
and that she won't drink coffee but will 'sip it, to make sure you're on the right track'
conviction is a funny thing

i see pain draped like ancient drapes across people's faces
i want to reach out and let the sunshine break through

burying myself under poloroids from the generations before me
in the expressions
in the shoes
in the stories they tell that are typed in my blood
hibernating until the moments when i need to hear something
and it's right there

what sets me apart? staring up at the lives of women with ravishing values and red lipstick

mediocrity never crossed their minds

working a job you hate

we
sat
on
your
couch,
and cried.
literally on each others shoulders.
unverbal
unequivocal
undeniable that the world is a place where you can stand on your feet  for 12 hours and be treated as a robot for your fellow
mans
consumption,
where your mom takes so much lithium she can't keep a job / because if she didn't the voices whisper her wicked things

the world
is
a
fucking
mess.
somehow that is still an elephant in everyone's room
but i find beauty in our caring enough
to
cry,
and begin anew.

6 months

lightening

can't sleep because i'm busy hoping this fog of worry in my head doesn't formulate into something tangible
i think any step i take in any direction is the first of a brave adventure
i have nothing to fear but tend to forget that
it is 4:13 in the morning
i am seeking a person who can tell me things i already know but am struggling to see,
an enlightened perspective
only people i care about ever read these ramblings which makes me feel like 'tis okay to ramble
[ :) ]
i hope by this time tomorrow, i will be able to rake my restless thoughts into one pile
and breathe deeply.

bonne nuit, mon amies

P.S.

i hugged Conor Oberst, my favorite musician. nbd.

if i could i would keep this feeling in a plastic jar

things of note:

-irish skin + sun are not the best of friends
-i say this a lot, but i love my bike
-Craft Lake City was awesome, put on by awesome people, full of awesome art and music
-i love Indiana Jones'in my way onto Trax
-one of my best buddies is heading out on his mission, very much against his will. as  much as that sucks, i know he will spread love/laughs/smiles wherever he goes. i am sending him off with Siddhartha (which everyone in a life crisis should read) and a sketchbook. best on your adventures Cam
-i also say this a lot, but i am so lucky to have Adam in my life
- short term art related goals include: get my photography hung up somewhere, write an article for SLUG, get paid for a photoshoot, continue painting
-i love my deck of tarot cards
-it truly is fun to play matchmaker
-my Walkman has served me well, but i think it is finally time to replace my stolen ipod. aw

I ALWAYS FALL IN LOVE WITH AN OPEN DOOR

you can't watch this

and tell me Mormon's are living in the honor of Jesus Christ

you can't analyze this

http://www.npr.org/2011/08/05/138995325/rick-perrys-religious-revival-sparks-a-holy-war

and tell me that we live in a country where separation of church and state is upheld

you can't read these words

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/sexual-identity/progay-revisionist-theology/our-position.aspx

and tell me Christians aren't breeding bigotry and hate towards their own brothers and sisters

leaving some gays no option 

but to die trying to 'fix' their gay feelings

by committing suicide

justifying the most sickening rape of human rights

with a concept of a petulant God

 that only loves some people

i do not believe in hate

i do not believe i am superior to those who hate

i believe that attempting to separate humanity from humanity is futile

and the cause of much guilt and grief

i believe that intrinsically, we are one and the same

that there is nothing on any level that makes one person unequal from another

unless we choose to see it that way

i believe that the fear-based system the majority of the world is precariously teetering on

is about to collapse

and that love leads the way

to new beginnings

to enlightenment

to an age where universal joy, truth and freedom exists

i cannot stop and will not stop ranting about things i find important
i believe complacency will be the death of my generation
if someone reads my thoughts and ponders them
that is beautiful
if no one reads my thoughts
that is beautiful

good night to all with love from a fire-veined journalist who stays up all night watching documentaries
xxoo

to my best friend:

sending you brave thoughts
be safe
you are a vital person to a changing world
what are the chances of it being your street?
neither of us believe in coincidences
i love you

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/aug/09/liverpool-riots-toxteth-residents-describe-chaos

8/7

we almost made it
turned a corner and they bit his neck
he wanted me to go on,
i refused to leave him
we went down
but at least we went down together

p.s. this is the cheesiest bestest bloodiest thing ever

don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees

at one point in time one summer ago,
i remember thinking:

i could die right this second and be satisfied because i know everything there is to know about myself and the universe

and looking back now, i see how silly that is & i will never make such a statement again

you see, the beauty of life is in the processs
the blind faith
we are always walking in dark rooms with our hands feeling
my ability to grow is as unfathomably large as the galaxies we are a single grain of sand swirling amongst

i don't know what i'm doing
and that's the best part

right about now

-scheming my zombie walk getup
-deciding which yoga website to drop money on
-desiring to skip out of town
-wondering where i can get my photography hung up
-dreaming about the big skies i am headed for
-digesting my favorite meal of hummus kale and carrots
-bonding with my brudder
-procrastinating laundry
-oozing with possibilities

i'm in love with the world

i have been writing in my red leather graph paper journal since september 10, 2010. i use it as a device for my own sanity. i can't sleep unless i transfer words to paper.
sometimes i take for granted how much of my life i carry around in a falling-apart book.

it's my art.

time means nothing

we're all right where we're supposed to be
we're all right where we're supposed to be
we're all right where we're supposed to be

just in case you didn't know

the medical system is wack.
i know because i spent 2 uncomfortable hours in a clinic this morning
where they tell me my results are abnormal
but won't tell me what that means

all these men were shot

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. -Martin Luther King, Jr


Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be a s big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. 
-John F. Kennedy

 If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
-John Lennon

dios fucking mio

i am drowning in documentaries and my insides are burning up and i can't sit still because everything is corrupt.

truth is like a bad date that stands you up more often than it shows up,
and when it does it hands you the check and all the blame.

i'm out to change that. sitting here on my dog-haired couch, i know that in the not-too-far-off future i will be taking photos of wars, disasters and the like, writing it all down and fighting to let it be seen and understood.

i changed the name of this blog to ASK QUESTIONS. and i mean it. elitist leaders feast off of  a stagnant, apathetic audience. it's a classic case in history and the trouble is we keep letting it happen because we think it's out of our control. we are convinced the world is going to end with a bang, but it's been ending since it started. humanity has continually raped the earth and each other; advancing in technology while barely reaching infanthood in respect for life. it doesn't have to be that way.


all it takes is awareness. like Henry Miller said,

be joyously drunkenly serenely divinely aware

i think it's a common misconception that everything is fine, and that the government is looking out for us, and that God will save us all in the end so it really doesn't matter what we do as long as we do it with a good heart. i'm not here to judge, only to spread what i see and to ask others to do the same. watch the news with a critical eye. read up on your history. look around you. listen to views you might think are crazy. develop an objective eye and the ability to decide for yourself what is true.


the world is indeed shifting; it's our love that leads the way

late at night when i feel cheesy

what do you do?

when trillions catch up with them
and play-money isn't going to cut it
We don't want anything to change, but we want it fixed!
scream pleading millions who have never seen a silver platter,
let alone had one handed to them
elitists feast upon the stationary

what do you when
the Social Security checks stop rolling
and you can afford your life-saving medicine about as much as you afford your own private island
your eyes carry barrels of worry while the food bank keeps your head above the tsunami
but just barely
you stop sleeping, because what if a wave
comes
in
the
night and snatches it all away?

crying shame doesn't even begin to cover it

this is what you do: not out of want
out of necessity

arch your shoulders, feel the gritty blood pumping still
something they can never cut
is your faith that things will get better before they
end.

loooocal

i love me some farmers market. fresh raspberries, chard, goat cheese, granola, carrots, bread. i will be eating like a veggie queen this week.

p.s. check out my fly shoes

welcome to the united snakes

i threw away

all of my makeup. took me this many years to realize i don't need it, nor does anyone. beauty is intrinsic
and i will never have to clean mascara goop out of my eyes again.
liberating.

p.s. i kept my red lipstick because wearing it makes me feel like i can take the world by storm

i really like this

even though we look silly

and Adam is gazing elsewhere

and there is a photo-bombin' man in the right corner

i like it because

i was so happy.

preparing

for cold weather. can't wait. love wool.

beautiful mornings

include:
waking up when you feel like
half of a grapefruit
cuddling
kisses all over your sleepy eyes
the promise of an equally as beautiful day.

aly wrote this for me. d'awww

my best friend
is a red-haired girl
with pale skin wrapped round
her perfectly curved body
who will do
completely spontaneous things
that make the world fall in love with her
she is brilliant
a master of flow
and a source of vitality to rival the sun itself
we would drive
in my car
down the freeway
nearly everyday
listening to the music that suited the mood of our souls
laughing
or crying
or sitting silently
always in awe of how effortlessly our chemistry combined
and how we found ourselves
on the same page
in most books
often i would think if in that moment i died
that would be absolutely fine
she was my awakening
unprecedented and inevitable
and i doubt anyone has ever adored anyone
as much as i do her.

ULTIMATUM

A) MOVE TO MISSOULA, MONTANA AND SPEND ONE YEAR LIVING AND WORKING, GAINING RESIDENCY, SO THAT NEXT FALL I CAN ATTEND U OF M AND STUDY PHOTOJOURNALISM

B) MOVE OUT INTO MY OWN PLACE AND GO TO WEBER STATE WHERE IT WILL BE FREE TO STUDY GENERALS UNTIL NEXT FALL AND TRANSFER TO AN OUT OF STATE UNIVERSITY


leaning towards Missoula. following my heart. ready for coming transformation.

hey

-Adam thinks i look hot in sweat pants and glasses
that is the best
- i am inspired lately by John F. Kennedy and film photography and oddly enough, some hip-hop music which i find offers a crucial perspective 
-i don't know where i am going to school anymore or how i am going to pay for it and that is stressful to say the least
-but i will get there
-i haven't watched tv in at least half a year
-i could (and do) watch documentaries all day
-i am tired of sugar
-i miss my best friend
-all i ever want to do is read, write and go camping

assasinations and other love stories

i swear its juice from those cherries i was eating

                                                                                                                                                                                  Not

                                                                                                                                                                                   Blood

on the bed.i feel bad when you feel bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about.
with
one of those headaches that creeps

                                                                                                                                                                                 down

                                                                                                                                                                                   your

                                                                                                                                                                                   neck

into your fingers
i suddenly realize that spreaders of Love are
shot in the head
while the cruelly corrupt plant rows and rows of seeds

what
if
Silence
doesn't work the way they think it does?

sometimes i get caught up in the biggest black magick trick of them all
money is as invisible as the man in the sky who invents freedom of choice and then punishes you if you make the wrong one
playground games for playground minds

                                                                                                                                                                       sickeningly,

                                                                                                                                                                             it 

works.

Retaliation! throwing out my makeup / stimulating synapses / loving shamelessly / asking questions / absorbing information /being unreasonable / never apologizing

                                                             Ceasing to Fear because as Lennon said

                                                            death is but leaving one train for another.

corn

watching a documentary called King Corn. basically EVERYTHING we eat derives from corn fertilized by ammonia, genetically modified to be grown as cheaply and effectively as possible. this corn is not edible, but is sent to factories to be made into corn syrup to be put into nearly every food on the shelf. corn syrup contains very small levels of poisonous chemicals, comparable to cigarettes. a person who drinks one soda per day nearly doubles their chance of developing type 2 diabetes. our generation may be the first in history to live a shorter life span than the generation before us simply because of our corn syrup consumption. even the meat we eat is corn-based. cattle are fed a steady diet of this inedible-to-humans corn for up to 180 days. if they continue to eat corn any longer than that, they die. their digestive tracts cannot process the corn, and they become sick from eating it. nearly 70% of antibiotics in the U.S. is fed to livestock. because of the diet we impose upon our livestock, the meat we ingest has a 65% fat content. and this whole viscous cycle is put into place so that Americans can pull up to a fast food restaurant and pay one buck for a burger.
oh, and the corn that isn't used for food is put directly towards the making of ethanol.

i am thoroughly disgusted,
but happy to have the awareness of this. think about what you're eating, ya'll

combat discouragement with determination
-aly dowe

thanks for the reminder

feelin

upset,
frustrated,
more upset,
more frustrated

because money is getting in the way of my dreams. as it turns out, there is no way i will be able to support myself in pittsburgh after they took away a chunk of my scholarship. if i have to stay here, my motivation will be the first thing to go. i will get sucked into drama and stupid politics and living at home and i will settle. i can't do that to myself. i am meant for bigger things than utah holds.
my current plan is to pack up a car with my lover and our dog and live with my aunt on a ranch in montana until i get it all figured out.


fuck money.
and fuck a society that only allows the wealthy to get an education.

ingrid bergman was such a badass

7/16 a run on recap

whiskey shots drunken renditions of Wish You Were Here all of us crying over how beautiful life is reading books about magic eating homemade apple pie feeling empowered not even caring about my blister burned gimp feet talking with world travellers i might be the only girl who parties with her parents missing those dear to me who are abroad having their own adventures
loving Salt Lake despite all my resistance towards this place

 

this is how i see adam

colorscolorscolorscolorscolors

observations from when i was stranded today

two guys at the bus stop are discussing how sunblock is a hoax
it totally is, but i don't feel like piping in
the bus is $2.25 each way
talk about a hoax.
i know a recovering schizophrenic and i find myself terrified to ask her the questions i am dying to ask her.
Aly always told me that our art forms are necessary to the world. i love Aly because she isn't just talk.
waiting in the cafe of a corporate bookstore, drinking Starbucks cheap ass coffee. it's mediocre at best, but i admittedly have bitchy taste in coffee.
Adam told me that my soul is incredibly visible and tangible and impossible to ignore. and that is what made him fall in love with me: wondering what makes me so rare.
i can say the same for him.
i absolutely 100% desire a typewriter more than i desire a laptop that some Chinese slave baby got paid 3 cents an hour to assemble. but probably my parents will buy me a laptop for college because that's what american parents do.
i can't stop writing even though i am just spilling words of little importance
it is scary to me how we treat each other like robots. when i'm at work, i'm not a person, i'm just a vessel for others consumption. it's disgusting.
i am only 18 years old. sometimes i get ahead of myself and forget that. age is pretty arbitrary, but i should remind myself of how much i have accomplished and how infinite my possibilities are.
DIOS MIO there is a kid on a LEASH here. i thought that only existed in movies. wrong.on.so.many.levels

I'LL FOLLOW YOU AND MAKE A HEAVEN OUT OF HELL, AND I'LL DIE BY YOUR HAND WHICH I LOVE SO WELL

we'll sleep out in the garden. and if it rains, we'll sink into the mud. where it is quiet and much cooler than the house is and there is no clocks or phones to wake us up. because i have learned that nothing is as pressing as the one who is pressing would like you to believe. and i am content to walk a little slower, because there is nowhere that i really need to be.

these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold, and this apartment could not be prettier as we danced up there alone. this tv is old, the color is fucked, do you see the difference in the shades? but the green is still close to green, my love. and i believe that we are the same.

and we'll stay like this, all gold and green; the light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen.

-conor oberst

7/12 although really 7/12 since its 2 in the morning

7-12

greek yogurt kissed with honey and strawberries should be dessert but is widely considered breakfast.

it tears up my stomach

i eat it anyway.

i don't remember how to write about feeling sad trapped angry lost lonely

like habit tells me i should

because things are so fucking beautiful.

my arms are getting buff

my spine is getting straight

and i know that time is an illusion

David Adam lets me draw murals on his back and walks five miles uphill to see me and our story breathes unconventional love for always

i rub cedar oil under my ears and on my heart

to have a little piece of the forest with me in this city of salt

once a man asked me where i was from and told me it was not here

he is right all technicalities aside.

Alby

Fionn

Seamus

Roisin

Rory

Teagan

Ros

Nolan

are Gaelic names i am stashing for when i have to name something. (someone?)

typing not sleeping

the story of my existence

even in my dreams i can smell typewriter ink

and hear the little bell

and see the words so defined on the page

i want to be reading but my legs are too jumpy

i want to be outside but my muscles are too lazy

my tea is lukewarm at best and i think it is time to retire as much as insomniac whore me wants to rebel

au revoir,

until we meet again