what kind of fuckery is this

my dad always told me that the McGinnis curse is our capability to love. to love love love so much. he told me that people would take advantage of this, or try to manipulate this, or be afraid of this.
i'm starting to believe him.

i said the words because my heart ached for the declaration
'i can't answer that truthfully'
'i have no need for an answer'


and now you've gone far away

Romance will be the last thing that holds me to this earth.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXe1jpHPnUs

Grey Fiction: Get Off Your Knees-

The time has come. Get off your knees. It will be over soon. You are free, as free as you please. A change in your heart. Can you let go of all that you know? We all profess happiness, but it dies before it can grow. Bear with me, this moment of relapse, because they do not see. And how will I know the direction I'm moving is the right way to go? How did this come to be? We have no sense of reality. It's time to wake up, and look beyond just what you see. There's so much more to it all, break the bonds of duality. Rise to yourself, and be amazed by all you create. Just what you experience is the wave of the life you dictate. Bear with me in this relapse, and maybe they'll see. And maybe we'll fall into bliss after we rise from this mess of madness.

maybe this is a self portrait or maybe it's a test run with a tripod or maybe it's me trying to say that we should all love our bodies

Jan-March

i've been marking my life with my journals since i started writing in them daily which was at the approximate age of 10

today was an end of journal day. the plain black, no lines to hold me down Moleskin that Aly has an identical copy of

on the first page, i wrote myself a letter that reads as follows:

'DEAR KIAGEN,

these are magical times. keep up the vibrancy. fuck it. do what you want. know what you want. the key is always around your neck. remember that.

i love you

''why do opportunities come easily to me?''
''because you are always open'' -A&K'


nothing is really the same since then. nothing is ever the same. i tattooed the most important feeling in the world to me on my chest. i met Erick who is tangible sunshine and neck kisses and more inspirational than he'll ever know. i discovered just how much photography means to me while at the same time learning that photography will never be mine and that's the beauty. i have laughed more in these 3 months than maybe my whole life before that. i found myself a group of weirdos /friends who i love so damn much.

always always always learning. let's see where the next hunk of paper takes me.

love isn't scary.
i promise.

one day, you'll let go of the dam you built
and i'll be there with a kiss for your neck and a cupped hand for the
water.


i'm patient.

touch is better than a vibration of a vocal chord to me

but some like to
scream at the sea

just,
....really fucking happy and such. thanks for all the beauty and good things you inspire, ma cherie.

love is so good

but i might be confusing love for 

that brief moment when i wake up before everyone and feel the hum of sleep and the afternoon light hits his cheekbones in such a poetic way that it’s almost silly seeing as how

we crashed on a crusty futon after a night of inebriation, smoke breaks and psychedelic rock.

the thing is:

you put your warm mouth to my ear, thoughtlessly, and said

T’amo.

i’m taking that and pinning in to my 

shirt.

one man’s trash might just be a woman’s

treasure.

growth

the biggest thing i learned in the past year is how to own myself.


through several encounters with fuckpuddle dudes, i learned how to be brutally honest. how to crawl out of any night shamelessly in the morning, with or without my bra. i learned to love blatantly, regardless of the situation. i stopped apologizing and started communicating. it has been nothing but liberating.
more to come. always stretching.

THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY

always, always, always.

dream:

i cut my own hair short short short and everyone was speaking in oxymorons

dear self,

cool your shit and stop expecting every person you encounter to be the fiercest human in existence. getting close to someone is allowed to take time.

also, do your homework.

also, clean your room.


love,
self

spirit animals

his:

golden retriever
sloppy, genuine, loyal
self indulgent

mine:

fox
clever, perceptive, shrewd
independent

i don't know if i'll ever be satisfied.

you know,

it never crosses my mind to feel self conscious about my body in any way.

what a sad thing to be trapped in.

don't forget

i am really fucking fond of you

you smell like somewhere between the Sahara desert and raspberries

just in case you didn't know:
you're beautiful

and i could stay right here forever.

falling in love

shamelessly
all over the place
with everyone.

lightheaded on americano's, nicotine and conversation that takes me away

resolutions! last year vs. this year

2011:

-fight for something

-connect impulse to action

-scream

-allow free expression

-surprise myself

-make ugly art

-release tension

-finish things

-stretch perspective

-be good to body

-meditate

-get close

-eliminate hesitation

-embrace BOLD

2012:

-get out of my head

-ask the hard questions

-continue to choose freedom

-do not lessen my capability to love in order to accommodate my capability to fear

-manifest

-rise to myself

-take a photo every day

-stop preempting

-seek those who seek growth

-go crazy

-act forward

LA LUNA

it's a marvelous night for a moon dance
go soak up some magic

attention!

that is the last time a dick move will be pulled on me. i am on high alert.

uff

not really ringing in the new year in the best of ways.

felt shitty and dyed my hair red to make a statement.

tell me now,
where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart?