a list that is sort of a poem and only makes sense to me and that's okay

climb roofs whisper in ears get uncomfortably close scream out a window hike in the night paint the details i know of you envelop don't wear clothing don't wash my hair climb a tree you think you can't meet somewhere at an odd hour slip in foggy in the morning sleep with the cold wind on your face in the warmest sleeping bag remember the smell of typewriter ink and hardwood floor kiss my nose don't go stay and build a fort like little kids stay until that world collapses rearrange say my name in my ear and in the air look at you and we both start running

the best solution is the one i always avoid:

 opening up and saying what i mean. 

i am happy i opted for eye to eye tonight.

I LOVE ADELE WITH MY WHOLE HEART.

HEY KIAGEN

it'd be cool if you'd stop idealizing the hell outta things.

regards,
your subconscious

p.s. only sentimentalists can repeat an emotion

puddle jumping through my journal entries from three months ago. i do not remember what it felt like. a hollow sort of love that never felt hollow until after: ''everything you do is beautiful.'' sunny autumn bike rides and sunday afternoons and radiohead. treeleaf eyes. hand in sweaty hand with all the manipulation and the putting me at his disposal and loving his weed and his band and his cat more. and all the other terrible things. what strikes me the most is that in nearly 6 months i only ever took one photograph of him, and you can't see his face.

he gave me context. i am free.

things of note

-if you use something called 'nivea cool' in an unfamiliar shower, you end up smelling like a man
-i should give up on fast food, since the best i can do is french fries
-i had a dream that included a storm, stealing a longboard,the wind blown hair of a former lover and my grandmother
-i have an impulse to hike a barren hill and scream, with a familiar + cold hand in mine
-i need to take up meditating again
-i am drowning in vapo rub and 90's movies
-graduating early will be most satisfying when i do not have to wake up at 6 on monday
-when i listen to sigur ros, i remember that music in a madeup language speaks more
  and is likely to make me cry

right this second

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/21397773835

these are default songs, a lot of which are old and you loved them too.